New Leaf!

New Leaf!

Today is my first day of blogging. I am turning over a new leaf, if you will. I have seen a few people blogging in the past and its something that I always thought you had to have a family, to be a blogger. Recently, I learned that maybe I could be an inspiration to someone else out there for what I do and see everyday in my career. I will begin with a little background of myself.

I am married to the most wonderul and amazing man that God could have ever put in ny life. About 10 years ago, I met this awesome man and he was always so sweet to me and always there for me no matter what time of the day, I knew if I was struggling with something, he would always be there for me. He was so young, it never even crossed my mind that he and I would ever date, let alone be married. A few years later, one night I will never forget, I was driving down the road and I texted my best friend, Gina and told her, "I think Im falling for Adam"!! She knew him all in high school and we worked with him as well and she was just shocked. I thought about it and just kept coming back to the age thing and finally realized that age isnt everything, that for once I needed to follow my heart and do what makes me happy, not what society says should be. Almost 8 years later, here we are, been married for a little over a year and I could not be happier. I, however thought that no other person could have a piece of my heart like he does, that was true until about 3 months ago.

My brother and his wife struggled for a few years, a few miscarriages, tears, and many many prayers, to have a family of their own. All the prayers finally worked, they were pregnant, expecting a little boy to arrive in June of this year. I was in love with the little boy from the moment I found out, even before I knew that he was going to be a boy, I was in love, I was going to be an aunt, a REAL aunt. Ive always been an "aunt" to my best friends kids, but this time it was going to be real. The excitement during those months of her pregnancy seemed so long. In March, we found out that after almost a year of trying, we too were expecting a baby. We were esctatic..I will never ever forget the amazing fullness that both our hearts felt when the pregnancy test said that one word..."pregnant". We shared the news with some of our closest family members and friends and we were so excited, everything was perfect. My nephew would be born in June and our baby in December, 2 of my best friends were having their babies in August and September and even better, we would have a baby at Christmas!!! It couldnt have worked out more perfect. Our first ultrasound we heard a heart beat I was almost 7 weeks, and although the heartbeat was weak, my dr felt as if it wast just because it was so early and the heartbeat needed to be at 100, it was only at 98. That didnt seem so hard, we could do it, we wanted it so bad and had gotten this far, how hard could that be?!! The next week we met for our ultrasound and the ultrasound tech said that she had to get the dr and that she would be right back. I immediatley got "that feeling" but Adam reassured me that it was protocol that Dr Stice just wanted to be there to look at heartbeat also. I believed him but deep down my heart told me it was something else. Those moments seemed like the longest of my life!! Dr Stice came in and didnt say a word for probably a minute, but seemed like hours. I will never forget the look on his face or the sounds out of his mouth that "there was no heartbeat and im so sorry". We were asked to take a moment to ourselves and he would meet us in another room when we were ready. Adam then showed me more than ever that day how much he does love me and confirmed why 8 years prior I had realized that he was the one for me. He held me in his arms while we took a moment and I wanted nothing more than just pinching myself and wake up, this was a nightmare that could not be happening to us We are good people, that wanted this so bad, why would God do this to us? We spoke briefly with Dr Stice and he wanted me to take a few days to decide my options of what i wanted to do next. I couldnt beleive that I had to make that decision so soon, but I knew it had to be done. I was supposed to be deciding if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby or what name we wanted to chose or what colors for the nursery, not making this decision. Unfortunatley, we had to make that decision. I will never forget the day that the DNC was scheduled..my parents were there, Adam, and his mom, I couldnt have asked for a better support system. It was all over in a matter of minutes, all that was so perfect for 8 weeks, was not perfect anymore, it was just like a vivid dream, no proof of anything other than a picture of something so small that had a huge chunk of my heart already. Ill never forget my sweet sister in law, Stephanie. She and my brother had to come to BG for a visit that day and she was pretty pregnant. She didnt want me to have to see her pregnant because she had already been through this tragedy two times and she knew how it felt to see a woman pregnant and didnt want me to go through the same heartache that she had. I will never forget that, because even though I knew what she meant, I couldnt at that time imagine not wanting to see her or rub her belly, because as I told her, she was holding my world inside, what could possibly be the closest thing that I would ever have as calling my own. It was hard, Im not going to lie, seeing her belly knowing that I may never get to experience that, was heart wrenching. However, I could not be any happier for them, then if it was happening to us. I knew that in just a few months that i would be holding their precious angel and knew that when our time was right it would happen. Well, I admit I tried to tell myself that, but it was much easier said than done, then to think that way

June 20th, Portlin Benjamin Parker, was born at the Bowling Green Medical Center and as soon as my brother brought that sweet baby out for us all to see, in that moment, my heart was full again. The emptiness that I had felt for the last few months prior to his birth, the heart ache that I had every single day, the literal heart ache, seemed a lot less when I saw his sweet face for the first time. When I held him a few hours later, it was a feeling that i can not describe. I was an aunt and could not have been any prouder in that moment than I had in my entire life. Everyone says there is no love like you have for one of your siblings kids, and that could not be any more true. The piece of my heart that I never thought anyone else could have but my husband, was quickly being filled and is now split with my sweet nephew. I can only imagine, that my love will grow deeper and deeper for him each time I see him, although every time I see him I cant imagine loving him anymore, but somehow, it always seems to happen.

That was in June and the last few months, baby after baby has been born and it seems as if it got harder and harder for me. I could not be happier for those for having babies, but the heartache and the sense of failure slowly began coming out again. I was letting the ability to not be able to get pregnant, consume my life, it was a part of my thought all day every day. The feeling that my sister in law didnt want me to feel when I saw her, that i thought was so silly, was starting to make sense. The heart ache, was back, the memory of that dreaded day in April, was back. I struggled with this for about a month. I was angry, confused, and most of all I felt like a failure to not only myself, my family, but especially as a wife. I felt like the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do as a woman, I was not able to do, and no matter how hard I tried, i couldnt change that. I couldnt complete our family. I am a very happy person, very happy, I can even fake being happy when Im not happy, I try to never burden anyone with my problems or always try to say "im fine" even when my heart is breaking, its just something Ive always done. Those few weeks, I wasnt even able to do that. I was told by several of my dearest friends that I wasnt myself and that they were really worried about me. At that moment, I realized, I wasnt even enjoyable to be around, I had let this horrible thing, define me. I then realized, athough my friends and family had told me time after time, that its all in God's plan. God is in control of everything in our lives and questioning him was not my place, that when he was ready for this to happen for us, it would happen. This was the hardest realization to come to, but I knew it was true and I knew that if I did not make myself believe that, then I would turn into someone that I didnt want to be, a mean, bitter, not happy person, and I have never been any of those things. I decided, its time to focus on something else, focus on my marriage, my amazing family, my career that I love so much, and most of all it was time to focus on me. I needed to realize that somethings are out of my control that its not something that i can just study for really hard and then it happen, it was something that I knew was all about timing and it just was not our time, but God had a special plan for us, we just are not there yet. SO, Im finally after many many tears, at the point of knowing that just because im not a mother at this moment, does not mean that I wont be in the future. I owe that to a lot of people. I will not sit here and say that I dont still have my moments to where I can just be walking down the hallway and bust out crying, but I think thats pretty nomral, afterall I am a female :) And the pain is still there, and not a day goes by that I dont think of our sweet baby that is in heaven with Portlin's siblings and I know that I will meet them all one day. I have learned that it is time to take one day at a time, appreciate the things that we have and not focus on the things that we dont have!!! I hope that I can continue this. Its amazing how much better I feel already!!