Okay, so I didnt plan on blogging again so soon...but this can be pretty addicting, not to mention, I wanted to share what a wonderful day I had, all by doing my oh so rewarding job!!
I say about 100 times a day how fortunate I really feel for being blessed with the wonderful opportunity that I was almost a year ago when I got that call that I had FINALLY, gotten the job!! Finally, after 10 long years of trying, I got a job at Lifeskills. My co-workers have laughed at me that I actually wanted to work at Lifeskills so bad, and now that Im there, my mind has not changed one bit!! Today, I was reminded a number of times of what gets me out of bed each morning. I feel like God placed me in this profession, not only to help others, but to help myself. Its almost like God knew what was about to come in my life, and knew seeing these amazing sweet faces everyday, that I could overcome anything. He could not have been more right. This morning, I got on facebook and my heart smiled and I knew it was going to be a great day!! Last week, one of my clients moms told me that they were going on vacation to the beach for fall break. I looked at my sweet client and asked him since I couldnt be on the beach, if he would write my name in the sand for me. This morning, I got a picture from them that he not only wrote my name but also wrote "we love you Heather"!! Talk about melting my heart. To know that they thought of me on their vacation, made me smile so big. This afternoon, I went to Glasgow and visited with the same families as I did the day after we had rec'd the horrible news. Each time I see them, I love them more and more!! The smile on their faces when they see me, is literally the best feeling in this world. All 3 clients I saw today, made my long hours seem like nothing. Beginning with my first. He is 18 years old and although he cant talk, the smile on his face or feeling his sweet hands on my face, wow, talk about precious...thats the perfect word to describe him. He plopped down on my lap and started smiling as he rubbed my face, his family was laughing saying that he thinks that im pretty, but in that moment, seeing how carefree he was and how happy he was, just makes you think. They see the world as it should be seen. They are all so different. They all have different disabilities. Some cant talk, some cant walk, some look perfectly normal, just are delayed. But they all have one thing in common, the biggest hearts that you will ever find!!! They may not look like you or are, but I can guarantee they have more fun and have a better outlook on life then any of us will ever have!! My 2nd visit today, he was a sweet boy who is only 3. He too, cant talk, but everytime I pull up in his driveway, he knows it..he comes running to the car and greets me with the biggest and best hug I have ever had. He sits in my lap the entire time Im there and when I leave he signs "i love you" and gives me a great big hug and kiss and watches me leave until he cant see me anymore!! When I was leaving today, his grandmother asked me if I was working late tonight. I told her I should get home around 6. She shook her head and said, "man this job must pay a lot". I laughed and told her that it really didnt, but that didnt matter to me, that what her grandson just gave me was worth any amount of money that I could ever receive. She just smiled and told me that she loved me and they felt so blessed to have me in their life. SHe told me that she prays for me every night for me to become a mother. The funny thing is I have never told her that we were trying. I looked at her in a confused look and she said "I dont know if you are trying or not, but I think you would make the best momma in this world, just so you know. The way you are with him is amazing and I can only imagine what you would be like with your own child". I held my composure pretty well, but bawled in the car. Not because I was sad that we werent getting pregnant, but because it was so sweet and made my day yet again. The last visit I went to, the little girl was told she would never walk. Shes 5 and just started walking a few months ago!!! My excitement to see her walk for the first time, was probably just as exciting as her own parents!!!
Tonight, when I got home, Adam was watching a documentary on a guy who was a runner and who had a little girl and they were trying to get pregnant again. They got pregnant and was hoping for a little boy, but instead was told that it was a girl and also that she would have down syndrome. His first instinct was to abort. As soon as I heard that I wanted Adam to turn it I was furious, but as I listened, this man continued to tell his story. When he held her in his arms for the first time he knew that he was wrong to ever think the way that he did. He wanted a perfect baby and didnt want others to look down on him for having a baby with downs. He ended up running in marathons pushing her, with shirts on that said "down syndrome" and even got a tattoo saying "down syndome". He was proud of her and wanted to show case her in any possible way that he could. If anyone knows me, they know that I absolutely love any special need, but down syndrome babies are just the cutest thing ever to me. This little girl, Paisley, was no different. She was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT!!! Again, she may not have looked the same as other babies, but she was happier than any other baby I had ever seen. Her dad, saw that too. He almost made a mistake and thankfully he didnt and realized just because she was different didnt mean she wasnt a person or deserve love too. I get to see this daily and feel so blessed to have them in my life, they could chose someone else, but Im the lucky one to get to share their wonderful journey with them. I couldnt imagine doing anything else and I pray everyday that I will get to continue this amazing profession for many many years to come. I look forward to raising my children to see everyone the same, as I did when I was growing up. I dont remember having special education in our school and I know thats because I was blinded by their disability and just saw everyone the same. Im thankful for that, and maybe thats why God blessed me to have a heart for special needs. I cant thank him enough for giving me something so wonderful to wake up to everyday! I wish everyone had the same opportunity as me, because that grandmother was wrong, they arent the lucky one, I am!!!!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Inspiration
Let me first say that I am beyond amazed by the comments, private messages, and texts that I received from my last blog. I wanted to start blogging for 2 reasons...I hoped to be an inspiration to someone else who may be struggling with the same thing as I am and also let others hear about the wonderful things that I see daily in my job. To my surprise, I now have another reason for blogging, my own inspiration. I cant describe how much better I felt after completing last weeks blog. It was like 20lbs lifted off my of chest, something that I had no idea would happen. Several of you told me that it would be theraputic to me, and you could not be more right, its amazing. For anyone who is tying to decide if they should blog to make themselves feel better, the answer is YES. I was also reluctant to post my blog because everything was so personal, I didnt know if I was ready to share that part of me, I wasnt sure if I was ready to show people that I was weak and see the pain that I was going through. I decided that I was more weak by pretending to be strong when really I was struggling emotionally each day. However, I find peace in blogging, I guess everyone has their things that help them, and Im glad that I have found mine. That brings me to why im blogging today.
Ive never been a very religious person, , I belive in God, I know theres a God, just look around, his creations are all around us. I, however never have been one to go to Church every Sunday. Id always joke with my friends and tell them that I get dressed up and watch church on my tv every Sunday morning. This past week, after blogging, something hit me. I wont forget it, I was driving back from one of my home visits for work and I was thinking and it just hit me, I wanted to go to church. I will be the first to admit, after our experience, I have had a hard time with forgiving God for putting us through this struggle and for other things that some of my family members have faced.I could never understand the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle". I sometimes beg to differ, but then realize that when Im facing something that I think I cant handle, Ive always handled it, it may have taken me awhile, but Ive handled it. I now know that I couldnt have done that without God by my side. I came home that day and told Adam that I wanted to go to church on Sunday, that I felt like I was ready and it was what we needed. Im not saying that we needed it because of the bad things happening to us, I just felt like its what I needed to continue to heal. So this past Sunday, we did just that. We went to church and as soon as I stepped my foot inside, I smiled. Of course as soon as the pastor said the first prayer, tears started flowing because I felt as if he was talking directly to me. I know we all get that feeling, but everything he said just soaked into my heart and the emotions overwhelmed me. Thank goodness we were to the side and no one could see me, and Adam just looked at me and put his hand on my back, because he knows Im an emotional hot mess most days, he just smiles and goes on. But Im pretty sure he felt it too, although he would never admit it, silly boys :) When we got home, we both felt better. We are going to try to continue going. We want to look around and see what church fits us best, but im confident that we will continue to feel good each Sunday when we come home, no matter what church we attend.
After my blog last week, I had a friend of mine that I havent talked to in awhile, message me telling me that she recently experienced a miscarriage and wanted to know how those first few weeks I coped, what I did to keep my mind off of everything. I smiled as I replied, remembering exactly what I did, I worked. As soon as we left the doctor, I went to work, got my things and went home and continued to work. The following day, I had home visits in Glasgow, and I went to them, all 6. I can thank God for that as well. He was with me to get me through that day, thanks to him, none of my families ever knew anything was wrong, I kept my shield up. When Im at work, Im at work, my focus is completely on them and their needs. Whether its 15 minutes or an hour, my heart smiles for them, broken or not, nothing else matters. She's, unforunatley, not lucky enough to have a job as mine, but as I said before, everyone's way of coping, is different. Mine is continuing to work..God blessed me with this wonderful opportunity, so who am I to not give him or them 110%!!
Ive never been a very religious person, , I belive in God, I know theres a God, just look around, his creations are all around us. I, however never have been one to go to Church every Sunday. Id always joke with my friends and tell them that I get dressed up and watch church on my tv every Sunday morning. This past week, after blogging, something hit me. I wont forget it, I was driving back from one of my home visits for work and I was thinking and it just hit me, I wanted to go to church. I will be the first to admit, after our experience, I have had a hard time with forgiving God for putting us through this struggle and for other things that some of my family members have faced.I could never understand the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle". I sometimes beg to differ, but then realize that when Im facing something that I think I cant handle, Ive always handled it, it may have taken me awhile, but Ive handled it. I now know that I couldnt have done that without God by my side. I came home that day and told Adam that I wanted to go to church on Sunday, that I felt like I was ready and it was what we needed. Im not saying that we needed it because of the bad things happening to us, I just felt like its what I needed to continue to heal. So this past Sunday, we did just that. We went to church and as soon as I stepped my foot inside, I smiled. Of course as soon as the pastor said the first prayer, tears started flowing because I felt as if he was talking directly to me. I know we all get that feeling, but everything he said just soaked into my heart and the emotions overwhelmed me. Thank goodness we were to the side and no one could see me, and Adam just looked at me and put his hand on my back, because he knows Im an emotional hot mess most days, he just smiles and goes on. But Im pretty sure he felt it too, although he would never admit it, silly boys :) When we got home, we both felt better. We are going to try to continue going. We want to look around and see what church fits us best, but im confident that we will continue to feel good each Sunday when we come home, no matter what church we attend.
After my blog last week, I had a friend of mine that I havent talked to in awhile, message me telling me that she recently experienced a miscarriage and wanted to know how those first few weeks I coped, what I did to keep my mind off of everything. I smiled as I replied, remembering exactly what I did, I worked. As soon as we left the doctor, I went to work, got my things and went home and continued to work. The following day, I had home visits in Glasgow, and I went to them, all 6. I can thank God for that as well. He was with me to get me through that day, thanks to him, none of my families ever knew anything was wrong, I kept my shield up. When Im at work, Im at work, my focus is completely on them and their needs. Whether its 15 minutes or an hour, my heart smiles for them, broken or not, nothing else matters. She's, unforunatley, not lucky enough to have a job as mine, but as I said before, everyone's way of coping, is different. Mine is continuing to work..God blessed me with this wonderful opportunity, so who am I to not give him or them 110%!!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
New Leaf!
New Leaf!
Today is my first day of blogging. I am turning over a new leaf, if you will. I have seen a few people blogging in the past and its something that I always thought you had to have a family, to be a blogger. Recently, I learned that maybe I could be an inspiration to someone else out there for what I do and see everyday in my career. I will begin with a little background of myself.
I am married to the most wonderul and amazing man that God could have ever put in ny life. About 10 years ago, I met this awesome man and he was always so sweet to me and always there for me no matter what time of the day, I knew if I was struggling with something, he would always be there for me. He was so young, it never even crossed my mind that he and I would ever date, let alone be married. A few years later, one night I will never forget, I was driving down the road and I texted my best friend, Gina and told her, "I think Im falling for Adam"!! She knew him all in high school and we worked with him as well and she was just shocked. I thought about it and just kept coming back to the age thing and finally realized that age isnt everything, that for once I needed to follow my heart and do what makes me happy, not what society says should be. Almost 8 years later, here we are, been married for a little over a year and I could not be happier. I, however thought that no other person could have a piece of my heart like he does, that was true until about 3 months ago.
My brother and his wife struggled for a few years, a few miscarriages, tears, and many many prayers, to have a family of their own. All the prayers finally worked, they were pregnant, expecting a little boy to arrive in June of this year. I was in love with the little boy from the moment I found out, even before I knew that he was going to be a boy, I was in love, I was going to be an aunt, a REAL aunt. Ive always been an "aunt" to my best friends kids, but this time it was going to be real. The excitement during those months of her pregnancy seemed so long. In March, we found out that after almost a year of trying, we too were expecting a baby. We were esctatic..I will never ever forget the amazing fullness that both our hearts felt when the pregnancy test said that one word..."pregnant". We shared the news with some of our closest family members and friends and we were so excited, everything was perfect. My nephew would be born in June and our baby in December, 2 of my best friends were having their babies in August and September and even better, we would have a baby at Christmas!!! It couldnt have worked out more perfect. Our first ultrasound we heard a heart beat I was almost 7 weeks, and although the heartbeat was weak, my dr felt as if it wast just because it was so early and the heartbeat needed to be at 100, it was only at 98. That didnt seem so hard, we could do it, we wanted it so bad and had gotten this far, how hard could that be?!! The next week we met for our ultrasound and the ultrasound tech said that she had to get the dr and that she would be right back. I immediatley got "that feeling" but Adam reassured me that it was protocol that Dr Stice just wanted to be there to look at heartbeat also. I believed him but deep down my heart told me it was something else. Those moments seemed like the longest of my life!! Dr Stice came in and didnt say a word for probably a minute, but seemed like hours. I will never forget the look on his face or the sounds out of his mouth that "there was no heartbeat and im so sorry". We were asked to take a moment to ourselves and he would meet us in another room when we were ready. Adam then showed me more than ever that day how much he does love me and confirmed why 8 years prior I had realized that he was the one for me. He held me in his arms while we took a moment and I wanted nothing more than just pinching myself and wake up, this was a nightmare that could not be happening to us We are good people, that wanted this so bad, why would God do this to us? We spoke briefly with Dr Stice and he wanted me to take a few days to decide my options of what i wanted to do next. I couldnt beleive that I had to make that decision so soon, but I knew it had to be done. I was supposed to be deciding if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby or what name we wanted to chose or what colors for the nursery, not making this decision. Unfortunatley, we had to make that decision. I will never forget the day that the DNC was scheduled..my parents were there, Adam, and his mom, I couldnt have asked for a better support system. It was all over in a matter of minutes, all that was so perfect for 8 weeks, was not perfect anymore, it was just like a vivid dream, no proof of anything other than a picture of something so small that had a huge chunk of my heart already. Ill never forget my sweet sister in law, Stephanie. She and my brother had to come to BG for a visit that day and she was pretty pregnant. She didnt want me to have to see her pregnant because she had already been through this tragedy two times and she knew how it felt to see a woman pregnant and didnt want me to go through the same heartache that she had. I will never forget that, because even though I knew what she meant, I couldnt at that time imagine not wanting to see her or rub her belly, because as I told her, she was holding my world inside, what could possibly be the closest thing that I would ever have as calling my own. It was hard, Im not going to lie, seeing her belly knowing that I may never get to experience that, was heart wrenching. However, I could not be any happier for them, then if it was happening to us. I knew that in just a few months that i would be holding their precious angel and knew that when our time was right it would happen. Well, I admit I tried to tell myself that, but it was much easier said than done, then to think that way
June 20th, Portlin Benjamin Parker, was born at the Bowling Green Medical Center and as soon as my brother brought that sweet baby out for us all to see, in that moment, my heart was full again. The emptiness that I had felt for the last few months prior to his birth, the heart ache that I had every single day, the literal heart ache, seemed a lot less when I saw his sweet face for the first time. When I held him a few hours later, it was a feeling that i can not describe. I was an aunt and could not have been any prouder in that moment than I had in my entire life. Everyone says there is no love like you have for one of your siblings kids, and that could not be any more true. The piece of my heart that I never thought anyone else could have but my husband, was quickly being filled and is now split with my sweet nephew. I can only imagine, that my love will grow deeper and deeper for him each time I see him, although every time I see him I cant imagine loving him anymore, but somehow, it always seems to happen.
That was in June and the last few months, baby after baby has been born and it seems as if it got harder and harder for me. I could not be happier for those for having babies, but the heartache and the sense of failure slowly began coming out again. I was letting the ability to not be able to get pregnant, consume my life, it was a part of my thought all day every day. The feeling that my sister in law didnt want me to feel when I saw her, that i thought was so silly, was starting to make sense. The heart ache, was back, the memory of that dreaded day in April, was back. I struggled with this for about a month. I was angry, confused, and most of all I felt like a failure to not only myself, my family, but especially as a wife. I felt like the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do as a woman, I was not able to do, and no matter how hard I tried, i couldnt change that. I couldnt complete our family. I am a very happy person, very happy, I can even fake being happy when Im not happy, I try to never burden anyone with my problems or always try to say "im fine" even when my heart is breaking, its just something Ive always done. Those few weeks, I wasnt even able to do that. I was told by several of my dearest friends that I wasnt myself and that they were really worried about me. At that moment, I realized, I wasnt even enjoyable to be around, I had let this horrible thing, define me. I then realized, athough my friends and family had told me time after time, that its all in God's plan. God is in control of everything in our lives and questioning him was not my place, that when he was ready for this to happen for us, it would happen. This was the hardest realization to come to, but I knew it was true and I knew that if I did not make myself believe that, then I would turn into someone that I didnt want to be, a mean, bitter, not happy person, and I have never been any of those things. I decided, its time to focus on something else, focus on my marriage, my amazing family, my career that I love so much, and most of all it was time to focus on me. I needed to realize that somethings are out of my control that its not something that i can just study for really hard and then it happen, it was something that I knew was all about timing and it just was not our time, but God had a special plan for us, we just are not there yet. SO, Im finally after many many tears, at the point of knowing that just because im not a mother at this moment, does not mean that I wont be in the future. I owe that to a lot of people. I will not sit here and say that I dont still have my moments to where I can just be walking down the hallway and bust out crying, but I think thats pretty nomral, afterall I am a female :) And the pain is still there, and not a day goes by that I dont think of our sweet baby that is in heaven with Portlin's siblings and I know that I will meet them all one day. I have learned that it is time to take one day at a time, appreciate the things that we have and not focus on the things that we dont have!!! I hope that I can continue this. Its amazing how much better I feel already!!
Today is my first day of blogging. I am turning over a new leaf, if you will. I have seen a few people blogging in the past and its something that I always thought you had to have a family, to be a blogger. Recently, I learned that maybe I could be an inspiration to someone else out there for what I do and see everyday in my career. I will begin with a little background of myself.
I am married to the most wonderul and amazing man that God could have ever put in ny life. About 10 years ago, I met this awesome man and he was always so sweet to me and always there for me no matter what time of the day, I knew if I was struggling with something, he would always be there for me. He was so young, it never even crossed my mind that he and I would ever date, let alone be married. A few years later, one night I will never forget, I was driving down the road and I texted my best friend, Gina and told her, "I think Im falling for Adam"!! She knew him all in high school and we worked with him as well and she was just shocked. I thought about it and just kept coming back to the age thing and finally realized that age isnt everything, that for once I needed to follow my heart and do what makes me happy, not what society says should be. Almost 8 years later, here we are, been married for a little over a year and I could not be happier. I, however thought that no other person could have a piece of my heart like he does, that was true until about 3 months ago.
My brother and his wife struggled for a few years, a few miscarriages, tears, and many many prayers, to have a family of their own. All the prayers finally worked, they were pregnant, expecting a little boy to arrive in June of this year. I was in love with the little boy from the moment I found out, even before I knew that he was going to be a boy, I was in love, I was going to be an aunt, a REAL aunt. Ive always been an "aunt" to my best friends kids, but this time it was going to be real. The excitement during those months of her pregnancy seemed so long. In March, we found out that after almost a year of trying, we too were expecting a baby. We were esctatic..I will never ever forget the amazing fullness that both our hearts felt when the pregnancy test said that one word..."pregnant". We shared the news with some of our closest family members and friends and we were so excited, everything was perfect. My nephew would be born in June and our baby in December, 2 of my best friends were having their babies in August and September and even better, we would have a baby at Christmas!!! It couldnt have worked out more perfect. Our first ultrasound we heard a heart beat I was almost 7 weeks, and although the heartbeat was weak, my dr felt as if it wast just because it was so early and the heartbeat needed to be at 100, it was only at 98. That didnt seem so hard, we could do it, we wanted it so bad and had gotten this far, how hard could that be?!! The next week we met for our ultrasound and the ultrasound tech said that she had to get the dr and that she would be right back. I immediatley got "that feeling" but Adam reassured me that it was protocol that Dr Stice just wanted to be there to look at heartbeat also. I believed him but deep down my heart told me it was something else. Those moments seemed like the longest of my life!! Dr Stice came in and didnt say a word for probably a minute, but seemed like hours. I will never forget the look on his face or the sounds out of his mouth that "there was no heartbeat and im so sorry". We were asked to take a moment to ourselves and he would meet us in another room when we were ready. Adam then showed me more than ever that day how much he does love me and confirmed why 8 years prior I had realized that he was the one for me. He held me in his arms while we took a moment and I wanted nothing more than just pinching myself and wake up, this was a nightmare that could not be happening to us We are good people, that wanted this so bad, why would God do this to us? We spoke briefly with Dr Stice and he wanted me to take a few days to decide my options of what i wanted to do next. I couldnt beleive that I had to make that decision so soon, but I knew it had to be done. I was supposed to be deciding if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby or what name we wanted to chose or what colors for the nursery, not making this decision. Unfortunatley, we had to make that decision. I will never forget the day that the DNC was scheduled..my parents were there, Adam, and his mom, I couldnt have asked for a better support system. It was all over in a matter of minutes, all that was so perfect for 8 weeks, was not perfect anymore, it was just like a vivid dream, no proof of anything other than a picture of something so small that had a huge chunk of my heart already. Ill never forget my sweet sister in law, Stephanie. She and my brother had to come to BG for a visit that day and she was pretty pregnant. She didnt want me to have to see her pregnant because she had already been through this tragedy two times and she knew how it felt to see a woman pregnant and didnt want me to go through the same heartache that she had. I will never forget that, because even though I knew what she meant, I couldnt at that time imagine not wanting to see her or rub her belly, because as I told her, she was holding my world inside, what could possibly be the closest thing that I would ever have as calling my own. It was hard, Im not going to lie, seeing her belly knowing that I may never get to experience that, was heart wrenching. However, I could not be any happier for them, then if it was happening to us. I knew that in just a few months that i would be holding their precious angel and knew that when our time was right it would happen. Well, I admit I tried to tell myself that, but it was much easier said than done, then to think that way
June 20th, Portlin Benjamin Parker, was born at the Bowling Green Medical Center and as soon as my brother brought that sweet baby out for us all to see, in that moment, my heart was full again. The emptiness that I had felt for the last few months prior to his birth, the heart ache that I had every single day, the literal heart ache, seemed a lot less when I saw his sweet face for the first time. When I held him a few hours later, it was a feeling that i can not describe. I was an aunt and could not have been any prouder in that moment than I had in my entire life. Everyone says there is no love like you have for one of your siblings kids, and that could not be any more true. The piece of my heart that I never thought anyone else could have but my husband, was quickly being filled and is now split with my sweet nephew. I can only imagine, that my love will grow deeper and deeper for him each time I see him, although every time I see him I cant imagine loving him anymore, but somehow, it always seems to happen.
That was in June and the last few months, baby after baby has been born and it seems as if it got harder and harder for me. I could not be happier for those for having babies, but the heartache and the sense of failure slowly began coming out again. I was letting the ability to not be able to get pregnant, consume my life, it was a part of my thought all day every day. The feeling that my sister in law didnt want me to feel when I saw her, that i thought was so silly, was starting to make sense. The heart ache, was back, the memory of that dreaded day in April, was back. I struggled with this for about a month. I was angry, confused, and most of all I felt like a failure to not only myself, my family, but especially as a wife. I felt like the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do as a woman, I was not able to do, and no matter how hard I tried, i couldnt change that. I couldnt complete our family. I am a very happy person, very happy, I can even fake being happy when Im not happy, I try to never burden anyone with my problems or always try to say "im fine" even when my heart is breaking, its just something Ive always done. Those few weeks, I wasnt even able to do that. I was told by several of my dearest friends that I wasnt myself and that they were really worried about me. At that moment, I realized, I wasnt even enjoyable to be around, I had let this horrible thing, define me. I then realized, athough my friends and family had told me time after time, that its all in God's plan. God is in control of everything in our lives and questioning him was not my place, that when he was ready for this to happen for us, it would happen. This was the hardest realization to come to, but I knew it was true and I knew that if I did not make myself believe that, then I would turn into someone that I didnt want to be, a mean, bitter, not happy person, and I have never been any of those things. I decided, its time to focus on something else, focus on my marriage, my amazing family, my career that I love so much, and most of all it was time to focus on me. I needed to realize that somethings are out of my control that its not something that i can just study for really hard and then it happen, it was something that I knew was all about timing and it just was not our time, but God had a special plan for us, we just are not there yet. SO, Im finally after many many tears, at the point of knowing that just because im not a mother at this moment, does not mean that I wont be in the future. I owe that to a lot of people. I will not sit here and say that I dont still have my moments to where I can just be walking down the hallway and bust out crying, but I think thats pretty nomral, afterall I am a female :) And the pain is still there, and not a day goes by that I dont think of our sweet baby that is in heaven with Portlin's siblings and I know that I will meet them all one day. I have learned that it is time to take one day at a time, appreciate the things that we have and not focus on the things that we dont have!!! I hope that I can continue this. Its amazing how much better I feel already!!
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